[Assam] A Dutchman's tips to India

[Manoj Das]

For the benefit of every Tom, Dick and Harry visiting
India and daring to drive on Indian roads, I am
offering a few hints for survival. They are applicable
to every place in India except Bihar, where life
outside a vehicle is only marginally safer. Indian
road rules broadly operate within the domain of karma
where you do your best, and leave the results to your
insurance company. The hints are as follows: Do we
drive on the left or right of the road? The answer is
"both".
Basically you start on the left of the road, unless it
is occupied. In that case, go to the right, unless
that is also occupied. Then proceed by occupying the
next available gap, as in chess. Just trust your
instincts, ascertain the direction, and proceed.
Adherence to road rules leads to much misery and
occasional fatality. Most drivers don't drive, but
just aim their vehicles in the generally intended
direction. Don't you get discouraged or underestimate
yourself except for a belief in reincarnation, the
other drivers are not in any better position. Don't
stop at pedestrian crossings just because some fool
wants to cross the road. You may do so only if you
enjoy being bumped in the back. Pedestrians have been
strictly instructed to cross only when traffic is
moving slowly or has come to a dead stop because some
minister is in town.Still some idiot may try to wade
across, but then, let us not talk ill of the dead.
Blowing your horn is not a sign of protest as in some
countries. We horn to express joy, resentment,
frustration, romance and bare lust (two brisk
blasts),or just mobilize a dozing cow in the middle of
the bazaar. Keep informative books in the glove
compartment. You may read them during traffic jams,
while awaiting the chief minister's motorcade, or
waiting for the rainwater to recede when over ground
traffic meets underground drainage.
Occasionally you might see what looks like a UFO with
blinking colored lights and weird sounds emanating
from within. This is an illuminated bus, full of happy
pilgrims singing bhajans. These pilgrims go at
breakneck speed, seeking contact with the Almighty,
often meeting with success.
Auto Rickshaw (Baby Taxi): The result of a collision
between a rickshaw and an automobile, this
three-wheeled vehicle works on an external combustion
engine that runs on a mixture of kerosene oil and
creosote. This triangular vehicle carries iron rods,
gas cylinders or passengers three times its weight and
dimension, at an unspecified fare. After careful
geometric calculations, children are folded and packed
into these auto rickshaws until some children in the
periphery are not in contact with the vehicle at all.
Then their school bags are pushed into the microscopic
gaps all round so those minor collisions with other
vehicles on the road cause no permanent damage. Of
course, the peripheral children are charged half the
fare and also learn Newton's laws of motion enroute to
school. Auto-rickshaw drivers follow the road rules
depicted in the film Ben Hur, and are licensed to
irritate.
Mopeds: The moped looks like an oil tin on wheels and
makes noise like an electric shaver. It runs 30 miles
on a teaspoon of petrol and travels at break-bottom
speed. As the sides of the road are too rough for a
ride, the moped drivers tend to drive in the middle of
the road; they would rather drive under heavier
vehicles instead of around them and are often "mopped"
off the tarmac.
Leaning Tower of Passes: Most bus passengers are given
free passes and during rush hours, there is absolute
mayhem. There are passengers hanging off other
passengers, who in turn hang off the railings and the
overloaded bus leans dangerously, defying laws of
gravity but obeying laws of surface tension. As
drivers get paid for overload (so many Rupees per kg
of passenger), no questions are ever asked. Steer
clear of these buses by a width of three passengers.
One-way Street: These boards are put up by traffic
people to add jest in their otherwise drab lives.
Don't stick to the literal meaning and proceed in one
direction. In metaphysical terms, it means that you
cannot proceed in two directions at once. So drive as
you like, in reverse throughout, if you are the fussy
type. Least I sound hypercritical, I must add a
positive point also. Rash and fast driving in
residential areas has been prevented by providing a
"speed breaker"; two for each house. This mound,
incidentally, covers the water and drainage pipes for
that residence and is left untarred for easy
identification by the corporation authorities, should
they want to recover.